The feelings I have are all mixed emotions. I am frustrated and confuse. I know I can go to counselling for this but I'd rather talk to someone who has been in my position and has overcome it. This feeling I have shouldn't phase me, but it keeps getting in the way of my thoughts. I've been stressed over these feelings and a good friend of mine had told me that I shouldn't because it is completely normal. I am the only one who knows when to move on and when my heart has been healed. This is my own healing and mine alone. I need to work through it and I really believe it's a desperate need of closure that I didn't get from Jeremy. I didn't know what he wanted for me. We never really had a talk about these kinds of things of him departing and what he would like for me. I don't know if anyone ever had that kind of talk with their spouses/boyfriends. I keep being told, "He would want you to be happy. He would want a father figure for Rainy." But then I was told, "You want a replacement. I don't mean as cold-heartedly or slutty and need a guy, but you just miss him so much you want someone in your life to make you feel the way he did and someone similar because that's what you grew to love." That I agree with but at the same time I am iffy about it. If I were to be with someone I hope to not have him think I will compare him to my dead boyfriend. He is his own person and I think it's hard to be in a relationship with someone that just lost a loved one and trying to show them affectionate they might back off, and from there you know they weren't ready in the first place but its been years! And they are still stuck in the island. I'm not saying I want to be in a relationship please don't misunderstand me. I am barely spreading my wings of being single again for so long and as a single parent. My time is consume by my daughter and college which I don't think I will even have enough time with the guy that he would want and in the end hurt him. Even though he may understand he doesn't understand FULLY. I know I don't really want someone who has also lost someone recently I know we would have this in common but I think it would still drag me down. We'd both be open of course explaining what had happen in the situation and what they were like, but it'd be too much depression and a heavy weight. I'd like someone from the "outside" of the circle someone "fresh" that can be different. It would be someone that does make me feel the way Jeremy did, but differently. See what I did there? Near the top of my sentence of what I was just explaining what my friend had told me I did agree with her but I also wasn't so sure because of all the downfalls it could have. See how everything seems so double standard? It's bullshit lol. Or maybe i'm just making this hard on myself.
I hold back now. I question myself if I do want this or not in the future. But I later think about how I don't really need a companion. I don't have to be tied down, feeling jealousy, and get into arguments. I've already been through that hard road. But that's what love is as well. It can go both ways. But you need communication which is key to everything. We miscommunicate so much that it leads to fights and the friend that goes with miscommunication is common sense. That's my perspective! See, I already know i'm going to go through it again, but this time with my daughter. She has her wants and needs as well. She's going to be needing me her whole life and more. My daughter is the one who has my heart now. She comes first than any guy that will just come and go in my life. Again another double standard. I know I would want someone to hold me, someone to love, someone to be my partner in crime, to be an asshole with without taking anything seriously, easy to talk too, and grateful for his life. That's where I figured out about myself. I like guys who appreciate their lives. They are grateful for everything and anything in their life. For someone who literally had nothing, and I mean nothing. Jeremy had only the clothes he has had since freshman in high school clothing. Just clothes. He had trouble with his mom and moved in with his sister that was living with their step father. He brought only his clothes and slept in the same bed with his sister because in that house that they lived in had no furniture but a fridge. Rooms were rented out by ex addicts. Anyways, he just had his clothes and every weekend went out to hang with his friends no money he walked to places that were far which was hard for him in the condition he was in. He was very thoughtful towards his friends. Always there for them. He may have had nothing, but to me he had the whole world. He wasn't greedy or envious about wanting things. He knew he could live without it. He just enjoyed the people that cared about him in his life. I like when people are grateful, thoughtful, NOT A LIAR (I honestly cannot tolerate liars.), and enjoyed life. Appreciated living and thankful. I have met guys who were.. now how can I put this without sounding so.. blegh? Well, guys who were typical. Same guy, different face. Wanting bitches on their nuts, bragged about shit, and has everything provided for them. (Not against that. I mean provided to the point where they complain over little things when they have EVERYTHING. I hope this makes sense. Made sense in my head.) I did feel affection for someone. I stopped myself. I focused on what my goals are and went on my way. I really want to write a letter to Lisa Niemi and reach out to her. But she probably has her own problems to deal with. I just hope to find an answer. It doesn't have to be now. It also doesn't have to be physically. It can be spiritually. I hope it finds my way or I find it.
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