Valerie vs Depression - FIGHT!!!!

I've been depress for quite sometime now over my education. To most of you it's not a big deal because you can always pull through on  the long run and look back at all the struggles you've been put through and can withstand anything that comes to your path without even shedding a tear. For me, it was like that. Now.. I envy my best friend. She is becoming a model for a company that helps animal shelters and store brand foods-to most of you it's not a HUGE thing, but her name will be out there for other companies to wanting her to work for them. Her grades are absolutely bloody brilliant! She is a role model for me of someone I know I can be too. I can do the things she does, maybe better. Who knows? But I know down the line I want to help others, but if I want to help others I must first help myself. Not just physically, but spiritually, academically, and mentally. If I can't help myself I cannot help those in need. That's the thing with me I like to fix the "broken". I do pick on myself which is horrible because normally i'm positive, confident, and such an asshole, I keep things to myself, but have been changing that to be more open and reach out to others! Its one of those long nights where you feel sorry for yourself and later you pick yourself up the boot straps. I want those good grades more than anything, making my boyfriend proud of how i'm raising our daughter, have my name out there to help people and to also maybe part time modeling? Just helping the companies with their business. Well, I know i've been through so much bullshit that I can pick myself up to get what I want if I stop picking on myself. That's why i'm upset and depress on myself. I have to stop, I NEED to stop. It won't do me any good if I keep lounging around and procrastinate. I've said it before and i'll say it again, ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY.

Silly rant done.

Layers upon layers

I do love laces. I love putting things together, ESPECIALLY when it comes to laces. I dare myself to put them over a few pieces and walk out that front door. Let's see how many glances and stares i'll receive with what i'll be trying on. I am saving up money to buy myself a cannon camera to take a few snap shots of the clothing I will be placing together for everyone to see! I would love everyone's feedback!

I can hear your stomach growling behind your screen

Can I just rub this in your face of how delicious this lunch I had was?

Mushrooms and cabbage <3 

And to top it off with a nice cool refreshing drink.. Boba almond milk tea!

I get it love, don't be too upset

Which I won't. It takes time for things to process and to gain followers that is willing to support my creativity and dreams. To aspire others would take awhile, but I always tell myself, "Rome wasn't built in a day."

Promises are just words unless full filled

Your average looking girl. I like to think of myself as the 'Natural Beauty'. Piercings are all gone, no more crazy different hair colors, no tattoos yet-I shall be having just a small amount soon in a couple of months. I don't plan on going all out like other girls would. I like how 'pale' skin my body is without covering it all up in tattoos. Don't misread this. I have nothing against girls having their body all covered in tattoos. I admire the body work it just doesn't fit me. I won't be sharing my ideas yet though about the tattoos i'll be getting!

I'm wearing a crop jean denim sweater-
Striped off-the-shoulder shirt from American Apparel.

Orange Lipstick by E.L.F

Don't ignore me

And I shall not! I haven't been able to have the time to be able to put my thoughts down and I have been having a horrible week. One thing came after another, it was too much! I finally caught up on my sleep and am now feeling refreshed. I deactivated my Facebook account for the time being, I want a clean fresh start and to focus on this blog to create my self image, to share to the world, helping others, and sharing my creativity! I'm excited to show everyone what i've been working on and to sell them at affordable prices as well. I notice how everyone struggles with buying the 'latest fashion' and how everyone would DREAM of buying it and showing it to others, feeling confident about themselves and wearing something that fits their taste!


This will take some time though because I am having a difficult time setting up and i'm not that great on photography. Well, i'm learning!

I take my heart out of my chest I just don't need it anymore

What an awful feeling

The feelings I have are all mixed emotions. I am frustrated and confuse. I know I can go to counselling for this but I'd rather talk to someone who has been in my position and has overcome it. This feeling I have shouldn't phase me, but it keeps getting in the way of my thoughts. I've been stressed over these feelings and a good friend of mine had told me that I shouldn't because it is completely normal. I am the only one who knows when to move on and when my heart has been healed. This is my own healing and mine alone. I need to work through it and I really believe it's a desperate need of closure that I didn't get from Jeremy. I didn't know what he wanted for me. We never really had a talk about these kinds of things of him departing and what he would like for me. I don't know if anyone ever had that kind of talk with their spouses/boyfriends. I keep being told, "He would want you to be happy. He would want a father figure for Rainy." But then I was told, "You want a replacement. I don't mean as cold-heartedly or slutty and need a guy, but you just miss him so much you want someone in your life to make you feel the way he did and someone similar because that's what you grew to love." That I agree with but at the same time I am iffy about it. If I were to be with someone I hope to not have him think I will compare him to my dead boyfriend. He is his own person and I think it's hard to be in a relationship with someone that just lost a loved one and trying to show them affectionate they might back off, and from there you know they weren't ready in the first place but its been years! And they are still stuck in the island. I'm not saying I want to be in a relationship please don't misunderstand me. I am barely spreading my wings of being single again for so long and as a single parent. My time is consume by my daughter and college which I don't think I will even have enough time with the guy that he would want and in the end hurt him. Even though he may understand he doesn't understand FULLY. I know I don't really want someone who has also lost someone recently I know we would have this in common but I think it would still drag me down. We'd both be open of course explaining what had happen in the situation and what they were like, but it'd be too much depression and a heavy weight. I'd like someone from the "outside" of the circle someone "fresh" that can be different. It would be someone that does make me feel the way Jeremy did, but differently. See what I did there? Near the top of my sentence of what I was just explaining what my friend had told me I did agree with her but I also wasn't so sure because of all the downfalls it could have. See how everything seems so double standard? It's bullshit lol. Or maybe i'm just making this hard on myself.
I hold back now. I question myself if I do want this or not in the future. But I later think about how I don't really need a companion. I don't have to be tied down, feeling jealousy, and get into arguments. I've already been through that hard road. But that's what love is as well. It can go both ways. But you need communication which is key to everything. We miscommunicate so much that it leads to fights and the friend that goes with miscommunication is common sense. That's my perspective! See, I already know i'm going to go through it again, but this time with my daughter. She has her wants and needs as well. She's going to be needing me her whole life and more. My daughter is the one who has my heart now. She comes first than any guy that will just come and go in my life. Again another double standard. I know I would want someone to hold me, someone to love, someone to be my partner in crime, to be an asshole with without taking anything seriously, easy to talk too, and grateful for his life. That's where I figured out about myself. I like guys who appreciate their lives. They are grateful for everything and anything in their life. For someone who literally had nothing, and I mean nothing. Jeremy had only the clothes he has had since freshman in high school clothing. Just clothes. He had trouble with his mom and moved in with his sister that was living with their step father. He brought only his clothes and slept in the same bed with his sister because in that house that they lived in had no furniture but a fridge. Rooms were rented out by ex addicts. Anyways, he just had his clothes and every weekend went out to hang with his friends no money he walked to places that were far which was hard for him in the condition he was in. He was very thoughtful towards his friends. Always there for them. He may have had nothing, but to me he had the whole world. He wasn't greedy or envious about wanting things. He knew he could live without it. He just enjoyed the people that cared about him in his life. I like when people are grateful, thoughtful, NOT A LIAR (I honestly cannot tolerate liars.), and enjoyed life. Appreciated living and thankful. I have met guys who were.. now how can I put this without sounding so.. blegh? Well, guys who were typical. Same guy, different face. Wanting bitches on their nuts, bragged about shit, and has everything provided for them. (Not against that. I mean provided to the point where they complain over little things when they have EVERYTHING. I hope this makes sense. Made sense in my head.) I did feel affection for someone. I stopped myself. I focused on what my goals are and went on my way. I really want to write a letter to Lisa Niemi and reach out to her. But she probably has her own problems to deal with. I just hope to find an answer. It doesn't have to be now. It also doesn't have to be physically. It can be spiritually. I hope it finds my way or I find it.

This just came to me as I was washing dishes

I would love to be a model. I would love to wear the greatest and finest designers clothing, prance around in them, and have my picture taken. It would be lovely to tour around the world, eat different food, relax at the finest hotels, and take photos of the places you've been to show to your family! It's nice to daydream about this idea, but it sure does take a lot of work and rejections. I'm fine with rejections i've had it slap me across the face too many times to count! Especially last year..


Where i'm going with this is that i'd love to be a model and have the practice for it, the desire of this dream, but I would rather be of help and service to those who are in need. I'm wanting to be a therapist for cancer patients. I did get this idea from the movie 50/50, but also because I have such a strong passion for this. My boyfriend who has been recently deceased last year in 2011 and after having his child I really wanted to reach out for those who were in my position and also to those who are struggling and in need for someone to listen to them. I've seen it all when staying over at the hospital where my boyfriend was treated at the time for chemotherapeutic and radiation. He had roommates and a few were quite nice the rest not so much, but you can't really blame them but at the same token they could have been a bit more polite >,<


I've eavesdropped (at least i'm honest about it, so sue me!) on conversations of the roommates we've had to share with what they were going through, their families thought of it, the prayers they've repeated over and over by the book of the bible. You can feel so much energy of desperation for the cure to the disease that these children/teenagers/adults have and are going through. They are fighters as well as anyone with any disease trying to make it in life. I know this will take me a good amount of 6-7 years maybe more to gain this accomplishment, to be a counselor, a therapist for these people. I'm willing to do this for them, for myself, and for my little girl.

You look like a tweaker

My mind is completely frying! I can't seem to concentrate on my work and I can't sit still. I keep thinking about Jeremy, where my future is heading, and money. I need to study, need to read and review what will be on the test + quizzes. Oh how I envy the little children sleeping and playing their day away without worrying about paying bills, food in the fridge, ect. They can lounge the day away ~